Topic:

when will he tell his dad?

My 16-year-old son came out to me exactly one month ago. Actually it was almost by accident as I had questioned his whereabouts and he had to tell me the truth about where he was and whom he was with. I’ve always supported the LGBTQ+ community and my kids have known their whole lives that it would be totally okay with me if they were gay. So, although it was somewhat of a surprise (I had suspected it was possible throughout the years, but ever since high school it seemed like it was less and less of a possibility), I was immediately supportive and affirming. Told him I love him no matter what, and we have had some very good talks about it all. He was already dating someone, and even brought him home to meet me. 🙂 It ended quickly though, unfortunately, and his heart was broken. I was so glad I knew and could be there for him.

His dad and I are divorced but on excellent terms. We talk often about the kids and their lives, school, health, and concerns. He lives two blocks away. Kids stay with him every other weekend, so there have been 3 weekends since then that my son has had the opportunity to talk to his dad. He hasn’t yet. I have asked him if he’s worried? He says no. (I know my ex will also be okay and be supportive.) I think it’s a matter of, how does he even begin the conversation?

I have told him I will respect his timeline and his wishes as far as who knows when. But I can’t help but ask (gently) every time he goes to his dad’s… are you going to tell him? I know I shouldn’t!! I don’t want him to feel pressured. I am just so anxious and nervous that I will somehow screw it up and say something to someone. At this point it’s just me and a couple of his closest friends who know. I also have a daughter who is one year older than him and I wonder if she will hear about it through the rumor mill/school.

I don’t know, just looking for perspectives here. I know that I will likely be the one to tell extended family when he gives the okay, but I’m just anxiously awaiting his dad being brought on board.

Support for parents of LGBTQ › Forums › Discussion Forum › when will he tell his dad?

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    • mamallama
      Participant
      August 18, 2022 at 5:48 pm
      #3517

      My 16-year-old son came out to me exactly one month ago. Actually it was almost by accident as I had questioned his whereabouts and he had to tell me the truth about where he was and whom he was with. I’ve always supported the LGBTQ+ community and my kids have known their whole lives that it would be totally okay with me if they were gay. So, although it was somewhat of a surprise (I had suspected it was possible throughout the years, but ever since high school it seemed like it was less and less of a possibility), I was immediately supportive and affirming. Told him I love him no matter what, and we have had some very good talks about it all. He was already dating someone, and even brought him home to meet me. 🙂 It ended quickly though, unfortunately, and his heart was broken. I was so glad I knew and could be there for him.

      His dad and I are divorced but on excellent terms. We talk often about the kids and their lives, school, health, and concerns. He lives two blocks away. Kids stay with him every other weekend, so there have been 3 weekends since then that my son has had the opportunity to talk to his dad. He hasn’t yet. I have asked him if he’s worried? He says no. (I know my ex will also be okay and be supportive.) I think it’s a matter of, how does he even begin the conversation?

      I have told him I will respect his timeline and his wishes as far as who knows when. But I can’t help but ask (gently) every time he goes to his dad’s… are you going to tell him? I know I shouldn’t!! I don’t want him to feel pressured. I am just so anxious and nervous that I will somehow screw it up and say something to someone. At this point it’s just me and a couple of his closest friends who know. I also have a daughter who is one year older than him and I wonder if she will hear about it through the rumor mill/school.

      I don’t know, just looking for perspectives here. I know that I will likely be the one to tell extended family when he gives the okay, but I’m just anxiously awaiting his dad being brought on board.


    • Moderator
      Keymaster
      August 19, 2022 at 1:16 am
      #3523

      What you’re going through is so very common! As LGBTQ+ youth come out, they often share with those closest and safest, and then stage their conversations with others depending on comfort level or need. We applaud you waiting for your child to take the lead on who to tell, how, and when, as outing a child who is not ready or comfortable is not advised. Although it is so difficult to feel unable to discuss this important thing with your co-parent, the most important piece is that your son is able to make the choice. You can let him know that you are hoping he shares the news with his father, and why, or share that you are concerned that you will inadvertently disclose his private information. You can also ask if or how you can be helpful with that conversation. But ultimately, it is important to support the timing that feels right to your son.


    • Moderator
      Keymaster
      August 19, 2022 at 1:16 am
      #3524

      What you’re going through is so very common! As LGBTQ+ youth come out, they often share with those closest and safest, and then stage their conversations with others depending on comfort level or need. We applaud you waiting for your child to take the lead on who to tell, how, and when, as outing a child who is not ready or comfortable is not advised. Although it is so difficult to feel unable to discuss this important thing with your co-parent, the most important piece is that your son is able to make the choice. You can let him know that you are hoping he shares the news with his father, and why, or share that you are concerned that you will inadvertently disclose his private information. You can also ask if or how you can be helpful with that conversation. But ultimately, it is important to support the timing that feels right to your son.


    • Moderator
      Keymaster
      August 19, 2022 at 1:16 am
      #3525

      What you’re going through is so very common! As LGBTQ+ youth come out, they often share with those closest and safest, and then stage their conversations with others depending on comfort level or need. We applaud you waiting for your child to take the lead on who to tell, how, and when, as outing a child who is not ready or comfortable is not advised. Although it is so difficult to feel unable to discuss this important thing with your co-parent, the most important piece is that your son is able to make the choice. You can let him know that you are hoping he shares the news with his father, and why, or share that you are concerned that you will inadvertently disclose his private information. You can also ask if or how you can be helpful with that conversation. But ultimately, it is important to support the timing that feels right to your son.


      • mamallama
        Participant
        August 21, 2022 at 5:23 pm
        #3526

        Thank you so much for the reassurance. I know in my heart this is the right way to handle it. I will sit back and wait until he is ready. Thank you for this site, it has some great resources.

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