Topic:

Advice on Pro Noun Expectations/Respect

Hello.

I am a 34 year old Dad of a child who came out as Trans about 8 Months ago. I have been struggling with it since like most of you, life is pretty complicated and it’s not so black and white. To sum it up, Their Mother and I divorced about 2 years ago. We were married for 15 years. Shortly after divorcing, my ex wife came out as Bi and got into a relationship with a woman. My middle child came out as lesbian about a month later and then a few months later after my ex’s sister came out as a trans male, my middle child came out as trans and wanted to be known as he/him. We talked about it and while I am supportive, I struggle with always saying he/him instead of she/her. (They are 12) I also struggle because they still dress feminine and act feminine. They have friends who came out as trans, My son gets upset when they hear me use the wrong pronouns and says I hurt their feelings. I want to respect my child, but I don’t know how harmful it is. Am I just feeding their generations fad? If I’m just generationally not getting it? or if I need to just adopt and let them figure themselves out? I want to do the right thing and be supportive of my child, I just want to make sure I’m helping them and not harming them. Any advice or help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Tagged: Pronouns, trans

This topic has 1 reply, 2 voices, and was last updated 7 months ago by Jackson Alder.

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- KaseyThe
  Participant
  
  April 27, 2023 at 2:57 am
  
  #4448
  
  Hello.
  
  I am a 34 year old Dad of a child who came out as Trans about 8 Months ago. I have been struggling with it since like most of you, life is pretty complicated and it’s not so black and white. To sum it up, Their Mother and I divorced about 2 years ago. We were married for 15 years. Shortly after divorcing, my ex wife came out as Bi and got into a relationship with a woman. My middle child came out as lesbian about a month later and then a few months later after my ex’s sister came out as a trans male, my middle child came out as trans and wanted to be known as he/him. We talked about it and while I am supportive, I struggle with always saying he/him instead of she/her. (They are 12) I also struggle because they still dress feminine and act feminine. They have friends who came out as trans, My son gets upset when they hear me use the wrong pronouns and says I hurt their feelings. I want to respect my child, but I don’t know how harmful it is. Am I just feeding their generations fad? If I’m just generationally not getting it? or if I need to just adopt and let them figure themselves out? I want to do the right thing and be supportive of my child, I just want to make sure I’m helping them and not harming them. Any advice or help would be much appreciated. Thank you.
- Jackson Alder
  Moderator
  
  May 1, 2023 at 2:28 pm
  
  #4450
  
  Hi Kasey,
  
  Wanting to be supportive and seeking advice is a great first step. Our Transgender Parent Guide may be helpful and we recommend reading through the resources there. Adjusting to using different pronouns for your son can take time and practice, but it is a way to show him you support him and are trying. If you do his laundry, you could practice while folding laundry by saying, “This is his shirt” or whatever article of clothing it is. It may seem silly, but it’s an easy way to practice using his pronouns and we as humans often learn through repetition.
  
  While it may seem like a fad because of the increase in youth coming out as LGBT, we’ve seen that the reality is that more youth (and adults) are coming out because it feels safer to do so these days. It’s great that he feels safe enough to tell you who he is. Letting him figure himself out, while working on using the pronouns he’s asked you to use would be a good next step to showing you respect and love him.
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