A Mother from Illinois

A mother from Illinois tells her story of accepting and supporting her lesbian daughter and lessons learned along the way.

• Briefly describe how your child first came out to you and your initial reactions.

• My daughter was 13 when she came to my husband and me and said, “I need to tell you something.” She then dissolved into tears and was crying so hard that she couldn’t speak. I assumed that she had done something wrong and was afraid to tell us. In an attempt to lighten the mood, I decided to start guessing outlandish things to make her laugh so that maybe she would stop crying long enough to tell us what was wrong. For some reason, I started with, “You’re gay?” Bingo. Got it in one.

  Neither of us had any idea she was gay. Our initial encounter went okay. In hindsight, I said some pretty stupid things in my attempt to understand what she was telling us. She never really did stop crying during that first conversation, and I was trying to help but maybe made things worse initially. We did end our conversation with her by telling her that we loved her no matter what. (Now, I wish I could even strip away the “no matter what” because our love doesn’t come with conditions. You learn, but it takes time.)

• What concerns did you experience over the first weeks or months? How did you deal with them?

• I’ll be honest and say that I struggled with her sexual identity A LOT. Part of it was that my daughter had told us she was questioning, and for some reason, I felt that my mission was to help her figure things out. I mourned the future I had already mapped out for her (traditional wedding, children) while also telling myself I was being stupid. I tried to “help” her by leaving books about being gay on her bed (nonfiction and LGBTQ fiction). I forced too many conversations about being gay and what that meant to her and whether she liked anyone and whether she wanted me to tell family members. I was so “extra” about it that I think she initially regretted telling me. She wanted us to know, but she didn’t (and still doesn’t) want it to be the only thing about her that is important.

  I started therapy to come to terms with some of this stuff on my own so that it wasn’t something she had to hold my hand through. I did a bunch of reading and then forced myself to stop reading because some of the statistics focus so much on worst-case scenarios, and I felt like I was interpreting every action she took as depression or something related to her being gay.

• Has your child come out to other family members over time?

• Yes

• If yes, who, when, and what was their reaction?

• One thing that makes my heart so happy is that the first person she told was her baby sister. I think she actually told her sister closer to when she was 11 or 12. Her sister is a few years younger. I think that conversation went very well. It was a non-event.

  I outed my daughter to my sister because I was freaking out when she first came out. I said to my sister, “Isn’t she too young to know she is gay?” My sister said, “How old were you when you knew you were straight?” I was given permission to tell my mother. My dad sort of guessed. The absolute best was my daughter finally coming out to my in-laws, which was 100 percent on her terms and her timing. By that time, she had a girlfriend, and she just mentioned it in conversation, and it went SO well. Hindsight is 20/20, and knowing what I know now (as the mother of a gay 18-year-old), I wish I’d let her come out to more people on her own time and her own terms. I really thought I was “helping,” but it happened in a very natural way when she was ready. She has received unilateral support from all family members, AS SHE SHOULD.

• What is the hardest thing about knowing their LGBTQ identity?

• At this point, the only thing I find hard is worrying about other people’s biases. For example, I worried that people would give her a hard time for going to prom with a girl (they didn’t) or that her teammates would treat her differently when they knew she was gay (they didn’t). I know a state’s stance on various rights did influence the list of colleges to which she applied, which I think sucks, and I do hate that she constantly has to make this judgment call about who she can be open with.

• What are some challenges have you faced concerning your LGBTQ child? How did you deal with these?

• We found setting guidelines around dating to be challenging. She is our oldest, so we didn’t have firm rules about girlfriends/boyfriends in bedrooms and that sort of thing, and I think we let things slide more than we would have if she had been dating a boy.

• What is the best thing about knowing your child's LGBTQ identity?

• Knowing her identity is everything to me. I feel honored that she felt comfortable enough to come out to us at such a young age, and I appreciate that she put up with me as I fumbled my way to understanding who she is and how she wanted to express that.

• Knowing what you know today, would you want your child to “stay in the closet”? Why?

• 100 percent no.

• What would you say to other parents learning the LGBTQ identity of their child?

• #1. Thank your child for sharing this with you. At first, you may not need to go much beyond thanking them and telling them you love them. #2. It’s a process, so give yourself time to adjust but don’t make your child *help* you with that adjustment. It’s your way to manage in your own way. Bottom line: Let them know you love them and accept them. And watch what you say because we all say little things without even realizing it that make it seem that our preference is for “straight” children.

• What would you say to youth coming out to their families?

• Give your parents time. Remember that you’ve been piecing this puzzle together for quite some time, and you’ve had time to get used to your feelings. So give your parents the time to adjust to this new normal. They might do and say stupid things or things that are “cringey,” but they are trying, and they love you.

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