Gender Pronouns: What Are They and Why Are They Important?
07.18.2024Whether your LGBTQ+ child identifies as trans or not, understanding the use of pronouns and why they are so important is a key part of being an ally to your child and other members of the LGBTQ+ community. Today we’ll explore the history of pronoun use for trans and non-binary people, their significance, and how to feel more comfortable using them properly.
Pronouns are more than a part of speech
We use pronouns to refer to people all day, every day, without thinking much about it. These are the words we use to refer to the person who is talking (I/we) or the people who are being talked about (he/she/they).
If you’re like most people, you probably don’t usually stop to ask yourself if you’re using the right pronoun, or ask the person you’re speaking to which pronoun they prefer. That’s because, although transgender, non-binary, and gender fluid people have been around forever, the idea that it’s important to use people’s preferred pronouns and the effort to do it right is relatively new.
Thankfully, and through the tireless efforts of LGBTQ+ people and their allies, more and more people are becoming aware of how important pronouns are to the health and well-being of transgender, non-binary, and gender fluid people. Visibility of gender diverse people has also increased in the last few decades.
This has led to practices that didn’t exist until recently, such as specifying your preferred pronoun in your email signature, introducing yourself with your preferred pronouns, and naming your preferred pronouns in your social media profiles. You may have seen something like this:
John Smith
he/him
Jane Doe
they/them
This indicates to the reader which pronouns to use when addressing this person or when referring to them.
Why does it matter which pronouns I use?
If you’re cisgender, which means your gender identity matches the sex assigned to you at birth (i.e. you were born female and you continue to identify as female), chances are you’ve never given much thought to your pronouns. For example, you were born a girl, and as an adult you identify as a woman. You and others refer to you as “she” and “her.” But imagine that everyone consistently called you “he” or “him.”? Would you correct them? Would that bother you? Would it make you feel like people didn’t understand who you truly were?
This is what happens to gender diverse people all the time because we’re so used to assuming people’s gender identity based on their appearance. Short hair = boy and long hair = girl, for example. It’s still very common to dress little girls in pink and boys in blue. If you wear dresses, people will assume you identify as a woman, and if you wear a suit and tie people will assume you identify as a man.
These assumptions are changing as gender roles become more fluid, but it’s still very deeply ingrained in our society.
The problem is that these assumptions are often wrong. And it’s not just about the length of your hair or what you wear. A person with large breasts could identify as a man or as gender fluid. A very tall, broad shouldered person with short hair and a beard could identify as a woman or non-binary.
The idea behind using pronouns properly is to acknowledge that the only way to know someone’s gender identity is for them to tell you, or for you to ask.
Using a person’s preferred pronouns is a simple and powerful way to affirm their identity and show basic respect. The experience of being misgendered (referred to by the wrong pronoun) can be very hurtful and communicates that the person’s identity is not important2.
Research shows that when correct pronouns are used, suicide rates drop and feelings of trust increase 4.
What can I do to use pronouns properly?
In reading this article, you’re already on your way to using people’s pronouns properly. The most important thing is awareness and practice.
To help you understand better, here are some of the most common pronouns. Ze and Zim are much less common, but some people do use them so it’s good to know that they’re out there.
| SUBJECTIVE | OBJECTIVE | POSSESSIVE ADJECTIVE | POSSESSIVE PRONOUNS | REFLEXIVE PRONUNCIATION |
| She | Her | Her | Hers | Herself |
| He | Him | His | His | Himself |
| They | Them | Their | Theirs | Themselves |
| Ze | Zim | Zirself, Zay, or Zee |
The next step is to normalize using them yourself. If you’re cisgender, you might feel silly stating your preferred pronouns, but it takes the burden off gender diverse people to be the only ones doing it 1. The more people who share the pronouns in a routine way, the easier it will be for those who are often marginalized or discriminated against for their gender identity.
Here are some more tips for using pronouns correctly:
- Include pronouns in your email signature after your name (as we mentioned above).
- Include your pronouns when you’re introducing yourself (I.e. “Hi I’m Nancy, I use she/her pronouns.” This applies for one-on-one introductions or in a group setting.
- If you’re facilitating a meeting, set the tone by asking people directly to introduce themselves with their pronouns. It will feel strange at first, but if you model it people are much more likely to feel comfortable.
- When you meet someone, it’s okay to ask about their preferred pronouns. It’s a good practice to do this for everyone, not just people you think might be gender diverse based on how they look. The idea is to let go of assumptions.
- If you use the wrong pronoun for someone, a simple apology and correction is enough. Everyone makes mistakes, and this is new for most people. If you apologize too much, you’re making it all about yourself and your feelings of embarrassment, instead of affirming that person’s identity 4.
If the whole concept of gender pronouns is new to you, don’t worry. New ideas can seem intimidating or confusing at first, but with time and practice it will get easier. Just remember that this is all about building a more inclusive and loving community for your child and everyone in the LGBTQ+ community. This is vitally important at a time when many anti-trans and anti-LGBTQ+ legislation is being proposed all over the country.
Using and normalizing preferred pronouns is one way to take a stand against discrimination and marginalization. Practice it in your own life and educate others when possible. Together we can make a difference for our LGBTQ+ children.
Sources