How Does Coming Out Affect My Child’s Well-Being?
09.19.2024October 11th is National Coming Out Day, a day of awareness that started in 1988 to honor the bravery of people who come out of the closet and live openly as LGBTQ+. For most LGBTQ+ individuals, coming out is a lifelong journey, and the actual experience varies wildly from person to person. As the parent of an LGBTQ+ child, you might have mixed feelings about your child being out, which is perfectly normal. They probably have mixed feelings about it too! Today we’ll address the impact that coming out can have on your child’s well-being and mental health.
Your child’s coming out experience is as unique as they are
It’s important to start by recognizing that everyone’s coming out experience will be different. So many factors come into play: age, family, political beliefs, social circles, etc. For some, coming out feels liberating, an acknowledgement of the identity that they were already showing to the world.
For others, it can mean risking isolation from your family, friends, and community. The latter is especially true for LGBTQ+ in rural and/or conservative and religious communities. Given that range of possible experiences, it’s no wonder that how coming out affects people’s well-being does not have a black and white answer.
Coming out means your child can live their life honestly
The burden of keeping this kind of secret causes intense anxiety and stress for many people. It can make it difficult or impossible to have close relationships with family and friends, and can even affect cognitive performance 1 . That’s why coming out is a huge relief for most people. They no longer have to carry the burden of secrecy and pretend to be someone they’re not.
The relief of coming out is not just anecdotal. One study found that LGBTQ+ who were out actually had lower biomarkers for stress (cortisol, adrenaline, and blood pressure) than those who were still in the closet 4 .
Coming our means being able to connect with the LGBTQ+ community
One difficult thing about being in the closet is that you’re isolated from other LGBTQ+ people. Some people who are in the closet actively avoid other LGBTQ+ people for fear that any association will make people suspect the truth. When your child comes out, they can seek out community and feel included (maybe for the first time!) They’ll meet people who can empathize and understand their experiences and help them feel good about themselves.
Being around other LGBTQ+ people will also help your child believe that they can have a happy life. Meeting happy, successful LGBTQ+ adults, or even just reading about them, can give your child hope for the future.
Coming out means putting some relationships at risk
Your child has likely made an assessment of all their relationships when weighing whether or not to come out to certain people. This is a very scary process because even when you think you know how someone feels about LGBTQ+ issues, their reaction can be unpredictable when someone they know and love comes out.
A bisexual woman in North Carolina recalls being shocked at her parents’ negative reaction when she told them she was dating a woman. “My parents have always been vocally supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but when it came to their own daughter, their feelings were more complicated.”
People your child counted on being supportive may not be, and support may also come from unexpected places. Either way, it can be traumatizing for your child to know that to be their authentic self they may have to sacrifice precious relationships.
Coming out means your child has the opportunity to help others
Another advantage of coming out of the closet is that your child may someday be able to help others who are struggling with their LGBTQ+ identity. They might not be ready right away, but having gone through the experience of coming out and living openly as LGBTQ+ means they can inspire others to do the same.
Helping others generally has a positive impact on happiness and well-being, so it’s worth it to tell your child that you’re proud of them for their bravery, and that their actions will inspire and empower other LGBTQ+ people.
Every child is different, of course, but you might encourage yours to find a volunteer opportunity to help other LGBTQ+ youth, or get involved in some kind of activism for LGBTQ+ rights. Thinking bigger picture and connecting with other like-minded people can be a great way to cope with some of the stress and anxiety of coming out.
How you react has a big impact on whether it’s a positive or negative experience for your child
Very often, parents of LGBTQ+ kids who feel confused and lost after their child comes out make the mistake of not asking their child enough questions. Coming out is not a one-and-done kind of thing. Just because your child told you about their identity doesn’t mean the conversation is over. On the contrary! Now is the time to be curious and interested in what your child told you. If you try to avoid the topic, your child might wonder if you even understood what they told you. Some LGBTQ+ people talk about having to come out multiple times to the same person because they’re not feeling heard 1 .
You don’t have to grill your child with questions after they come out, but try to bring it up in a natural way and express curiosity so your child knows that you were paying attention and that you care. They told you because they trusted you enough to share, so you need to honor that by showing interest.
Your reaction determines, in large part, how your child will experience coming out. If you pretend the conversation never happened and never bring it up again, your child will likely feel hurt, ignored, and rejected. If you continue to ask questions and acknowledge what they told you, they’ll feel loved, empowered, and accepted.
Sources
- Why Come Out? Benefits and Risks: Skidmore College Office of Diversity and Inclusion
- Coming Out, While Not Easy, Often Helps Mental Well-Being: Together Well
- The Complicated Benefits of Coming Out: Allure Magazine
- Pros and Cons of Coming Out: The Center for Faith, Sexuality, and Gender
- Why Do We Need National Coming Out Day: Stonewall UK