5 Things Parents Should Know About Bisexuality
08.21.2024Nearly half of Americans who identify as LGBTQ+ report to be bisexual, and the number grows every year. Despite how common it is, this sexual orientation is often misunderstood and stigmatized, even by people within the LGBTQ+ community. In honor of International Bisexuality Day on September 23rd, today we’re talking about the basics for parents who want to be good allies, but especially those parents of youth who identify as bisexual.
Bisexuality is a normal form of human behavior
The term bisexuality refers to a person who acknowledges in themselves the potential to be attracted–romantically, emotionally and/or sexually–to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree. People who are bisexual commonly refer to themselves as “bi” or “bi+.” 5 There is evidence of bisexuality, just like other sexual orientations and gender identities, from Ancient Greece, Ancient Japan, Ancient Rome, etc. 6
While the number of people identifying as bisexual has increased in recent years (a 2023 poll found that bisexual people make up approximately two-thirds of young people who identify as LGBTQ+ 4 ), that doesn’t mean that there are more bisexual people than before. It probably indicates that as acceptance for these identities grows, more people feel comfortable sharing who they really are.
Bi people are often a forgotten part of the LGBTQ+ community
There are a lot of assumptions made about bisexuality. One of the most common is that people who identify as bisexual are actually gay or lesbian but they’re afraid to claim that identity. Bi people often experience discrimination within the LGBTQ+ community because of the perception that they can avoid oppression and marginalization that gay and lesbians experience because they’re able to “blend in.” For example, if a bisexual woman is in a romantic relationship with a man, she can “pass” as heterosexual and no one will know she’s LGBTQ+ unless she specifically says so.
This perceived privilege of bisexual people has caused a lot of resentment within the LGBTQ+ community over the years, to the degree that bisexual people are sometimes actively excluded from the narrative of Pride and LGBTQ+ celebrations. 8
This exclusion and resentment has a negative impact on the mental health of bisexual people. They feel like they aren’t gay enough for the LGBTQ+ community, but they’re not straight enough to fit into the heterosexual community. They face a kind of double discrimination that can cause anxiety, depression, and a sense of isolation.
Bisexuality is not a fad or a phase
The fact that so many young people are coming out as bisexual leads some to dismiss it as a trend, just a new way for teens and young adults to get attention. From a parental perspective, if your teen comes out as bisexual it might be tempting to chalk it up to the normal kind of experimentation that happens during adolescence, and expect them to change their mind as they get older.
This is possible (though not common), but the goal as parents shouldn’t be to try to figure out whether or not our child is telling the “truth” about their identity. They are trusting you with this precious information, so your job is to support them and listen to them.
Young people now are more accepting and open to the idea that sexuality and gender identity is not set in stone. These are new ideas for many parents, who grew up with much narrower definitions and strict parameters about what was possible. It’s normal to feel mystified by the things our children think are normal, it happens in every generation. The best thing to do as parents is to learn as much as possible and talk to your child openly, without passing judgment. This is easier said than done, but the guides on our website can help you on your journey.
Fewer bisexual people are out to their family than gay men or lesbians 3
This statistic speaks volumes about the difficult situation that bi people are often in. The stigma of bisexuality means that not only do they have to deal with society constantly questioning if their identity is even real, but they have to face it all without the support of family.
This statistic also underscores the importance of family support when a bi person does come out to their loved ones. In spite of the fact that many believe that people say they’re bi just to get attention, it actually takes a great amount of courage and trust to come out to your family as bisexual. And it’s much less common than coming out as gay or lesbian.
As we mentioned before, because bi people can be in relationships with someone of the opposite sex and therefore “pass” as straight, it is often “easier” to stay in the closet. Easier in the sense that you can be in a loving relationship without anyone knowing that you’re LGBTQ+, but much more difficult in that you’re not able to be open and honest about your identity.
People can identify as bisexual even if they’re in a heterosexual relationship
One of the reasons the existence of bisexuality is so often questioned is because bisexual people have romantic relationships with people of the opposite sex. From the outside, their relationships appear to be heterosexual. If a bisexual man is in a relationship with a woman, people will assume that he’s straight. And if he decides to come out as bisexual, other people (straight and LGBTQ+) might question whether he’s telling the truth.
The same goes for a bisexual person in a relationship with someone of the same sex. If a bisexual woman is in a relationship with a woman, people might assume she’s a lesbian. Bisexual people often have their identity labeled based on their dating history. I.e. someone is only “truly” bisexual if they have dated both women and men.
But the truth is that no one else gets to decide if someone is bisexual, and there aren’t any laws or rules about who gets to identify that way. You can be a bi man who has only ever dated women, or a bi woman who dated women exclusively until meeting your wife, or a bi person who hasn’t had any serious romantic relationships at all.
Our understanding about human sexuality and gender identity is ever-changing and evolving. If your child comes out to you as bisexual, do your best to suspend judgment and push the stereotypes aside. Be grateful that your child trusts you, and honor that trust by supporting them every step of the way.
For more information about bisexuality and parenting LGBTQ+ kids, check out the resources below and the SFA Parent Guides available for free on our website.
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